The Dead Can Dance
by serenitysuicide
Summary: Prequel to Right In Front Of Me. Yuki is turning colder and more distant to Shuichi leading the pop star to fall into a pit of denial and depression. Is there anything Shuichi can do to make the pain go away,? Perhaps fall into the arms of his best friend? Rape, Self Injury, Alcohol, Language and Suicide attempts. Very much OOC Shuichi. YuShu and Shiro. Pease R&R! Chapter 10 Up :D
1. Chapter 1

This is a prequel to my other Gravitation fan-fiction called "Right In Front Of Me" Please read that first, I mean you don't have to but I think it will be nice and perhaps while you're over there you could leave a little review? :) - s/2723704/1/Right-In-Front-Of-Me

Warnings: No warnings so far but please keep an eye on this throughout the chapters.

Disclaimers: All characters belong to Maki Murakami (as well as some odd potatoes).

* * *

"Get out!" The blonde towering above me growled threateningly.

"But what have I done?" My breath hitched in my throat and I could feel tears burning at the edge of my violet eyes.

"Now, Brat!"

"But?"

"NOW!"

The man grabbed my shoulder and pushed me towards the door. I couldn't help but yelp at the ferocity of his force. His nails bit into the exposed flesh that wasn't covered by my tank-top. "Yuki... please you're hurting me..." The tears rolling freely down my cheeks now, smudging away the make-up I had put on that day to cover the last lot of bruises he had given me.

The next thing I knew I was on his door step, standing in the bitterly cold November wind and shaking through shock and despair, my left shoulder was beginning to throb dully and there would be another bruise there soon to match rest. All the ones I deserved for being such an idiot. Such a brat.

Yuki had been drinking all day. He doesn't do it often I admit but there are days, the ones he claims that are extra stressful due to work, memories or me just being annoying, where he will overdose on his poison of choice. Those days used to be rare, perhaps once every couple of weeks or near a deadline but I hate to admit that it has become much more of a regular occurrence these days. I don't mind, it's part of him it always has been. I always think of him having the taste of tobacco and alcohol on his lips, those faint hints of flavor that made him only more dark and mysterious.. He just wouldn't be my Yuki without them. I love him. People laugh at me for that but I truly do. If I didn't why would I always return to him, even after he treated me like this? This is nothing though, there are times where he had... I shook my head to clear me of the memories that I wouldn't let intrude.

Sighing, I followed my feet, they were bare and already beginning to turn numb from the cold of the pavement. This time I wasn't lucky enough to be wearing shoes and a jacket. So I was clad in nothing but my jeans and a tank top. My punishment for living with a man who can afford underfloor heating. Instinctively I wrapped my arms around myself to try and protect myself from the cold and I winced pathetically at the pain in my shoulder. Where would I go this night then? Not to my parents. No they didn't care, not since they had found out about my lifestyle choices, shall we say. I was the black-sheep homosexual of the family. I was the outcast and I haven't talked to them for nearly a year now, not since I admitted my feelings for Yuki. Of course my sister didn't mind, she was in fact thrilled her big brother was in a relationship with her favorite novelist but when my father found out she was still in contact with me he put a stop to that and burned all of Maiko's books too. I could go to Hiro perhaps. Though there have been a few times recently when I had gone to his after being 'ejected' from Yuki's home and he had threatened to 'beat the shit out of him for what he had done to _his _Shuichi'. I couldn't give Hiro another reason to want to hurt Yuki. My life wouldn't be worth living if Yuki wasn't in it and if he was hurt and the hands of my best friend, I don't think that I could ever forgive him. Part of me also though in fear that if Yuki was capable of hurting me, he could also hurt Hiro.

And then there were the others. Could I trust them? Suguru, Sakano or even K? No I don't think I ever truly regarded them as friends, they were more like work colleagues. They only seemed to care about my performances or my voice. As long as I was still the happy go lucky boy they had learned to love that would make them millions.

A sudden cold breath of wind rushed around me and I wished I had managed to grab a jumper, or something at-least. The weather had been dropping rapidly for days and we were predicted snow by the end of the week. There have been times recently when I actually considered making a bag up and stowing it in the garage or something, next to his precious cars. Filled with food, water and clothes, I could grab it at a moments notice if I found myself out here on the streets again. But I always though, what was the point? I mean, I always imagined deep down in my heart that this time would be the last time or that he would come chasing after me as I left, apologizing and pulling me into his warm embrace. I wish that would happen I really do but I think I have always had my head up in those candy floss clouds. Clouds like the ones that hung in the sky this very night. Darting across the moon. Looking almost opalescent in their loveliness.

My legs had carried me to the park. The same park where I had met my angel so many months ago. Frost had carpeted the grass making it look jeweled and it dug into my feet like shards of glass as I walked over it towards the bench, that too was covered in little gem stones of dew that glinted as the moonlight sparkled off them. The world looked so pure and innocent this night. Humanity locking themselves away from the world in the warmth with their loved ones. It was just me and the moon. I smiled looking upon the goddess that hung effortlessly in the sky, forgetting my worries and marveling at her beauty. My mother always said I was a child of the moon. Always at peace in my crib on nights when she would shine into my bedroom. The moon was my strength and it seeped into me to cleanse my soul.

My skin stuck to the bench, even through jeans it stung me and I pulled my knees high up-to my chest, resting my chin on them and rocked back and forward in a vain attempt to get warm, replaying the nights events in my head trying to figure out why I had been disregarded this time but all that kept coming back to me was just how stupid I was.

I don't know how long I sat like that for. My skin had turned bitterly cold and eventually turned numb, any longer and I was bound to have frost bite on my toes. It wasn't much near 10pm and I had only been out here for one or two hours but the night was already freezing and deathly black. I was lost so deep in my thoughts that I didn't notice the tall man with the long brown hair coming towards me. He held his coat and wrapped it around my shoulders before dropping down to meet my eyes. "Shuichi...?" He kissed my forehead and I let him pick me up, snuggling against his chest for warmth before I closed my eyes and began to drift off to sleep, rocked by his embrace. Very faintly though, but I'm sure I was imagining it I could hear him say very gently "I found you at last... my Shuichi."

* * *

So here we go all over again. And something different with this fic... I'm writing it because I want to! Not as some outlet of my depression, though I'm sure ill end up triggering myself by the time this is all over. Anyway this means that I will more than likely try *fingers crossed* to finish it. Its been a while since I last wrote anything and I hope I can still weave my magic that you love so much. And yes of course this is going to get darker... a LOT darker. I have so many fucked up plans for this mwuahahaha. I thought that this chapter was quite tame for me.

Your humble servant Ed.

And please review. You have no idea how happy it makes me to get little emails saying you enjoyed something of mine.


	2. Chapter 2

Warnings: Some bad language in this chapter.

Disclaimers: All characters belong to Maki Murakami (as well as some odd potatoes).

* * *

"_There is no way in hell I am letting you near him again, you bastard!"_

I winced as the phone hit the dock so hard I could almost swear that I head a crunching noise. Anger had washed over the guitarist's face as soon as he had seen the caller id on the phone and Yuki had been on the receiving end of a very passionate and pissed off man.

I've known Hiroshi Nakano for getting onto 15 years now, as childhood friends we had done everything together. He was my soul mate and he knew as much. We were kindred spirits and he was the only remaining link I had to my past now, after my family had disowned me. He was the only one who had always been there, the only one who I could depend on. Even if I was ill he would nurse me to strength again. I guess you could say we shared a sort of brotherly-love that had only gotten stronger as the years had gone on.

Hiro told me that he couldn't sleep that night. He said that he felt like there was something dreadfully wrong and had gone for a walk to try and clear his head. And he had found me instead... Curled up in a ball on the bench, continuously mumbling something about stupidity or something. And as the first flakes of this years snow had begun to fall around us, not even melting as its featherlight touch had caressed me, he had wrapped me in his coat and brought me home. I had awoken an few hour late to find myself wrapped in blankets with my back against the radiator (my favorite place to sit while I was at Hiro's place) and a mug of hot chocolate thrust into my hands. I smiled looking into the mug watching the swirling shades of the chocolate as they danced around each other. They reminded me of Hiro's eyes. There had been times when the guitarist hadn't noticed and I had been swept away by those vibrant eyes, filled with so much love and passion.

Mumbling Hiro moved away from the phone and turned to me, my gaze still locked upon the mug. "Shuichi..." I raised my eyes to meet his, trying to hide the pain that was burning in my soul. As his eyes met mine they softened and he stood there a heart beat. He wanted to say something. It was plain across his face, he was trying to make his mind up about something. I could tell. Eventually though he just sighed and smiled. This wasn't one of his usual smiles, I thought I knew every single one of them. I had seen this one before though, but never had I quite figured out what this one meant, it was beautiful though, just like he was.

His hair was pulled back to a lazy pony tail and short wisps were falling around his angelic face, teasing and tickling him. Occasionally he would use his talented fingers to push a strand behind his ears, but it always fell free again. He always managed to carry such a laid-back aura around him and that in itself added to his beauty. I don't know why I never managed to see it before. Perhaps because all these years I had only seen him as a friend. And in my mind we were still the same boys who would play rough and tumble and would climb trees. I guess I never felt like we had grown up. And that life was an eternity away.

He walked over to me, uncharacteristically unsure of himself. Whatever he had wanted to say lost in the moment and he slowly slid down the radiator to join me. I placed the now empty mug upon the floor and opened the blanket to him which he gratefully took and wrapped it around himself. Our bodies so close we could feel each others heart beat. Contentedly he let me rest my head on his chest, his breathing relaxing and lulling me. He draped his arms around my body and he pulled me in closer.

We sat there for what seemed like hours though it was probably only minutes. "Please tell me you wont go back to him again... Please Shuichi, I'll do anything you want but promise me you wont go back to him..." He spoke the words so softly rubbing his face in my strawberry scented tangled locks.

"Hiro..." I whispered, clinging on to the soft fabric of his shirt, breathing in his own unique and special scent. He always used a certain aftershave and it smelt heavenly.

"He doesn't deserve you Shu. He never has." He sighed, tightening his grip around my body, the pressure making me wince as the pain returned in my shoulder, I had almost forgotten that it was even sore thanks to the cold numbing it. But all my aches and pains were slowly beginning to seep back into my senses accompanied by the familiar heat given off my the man that lay before me.

"Hiro..." I broke the embrace, twisting around to look my friend in the eyes. My hand resting deftly on his chest, almost as though I couldn't bare to be apart from him. "I love him Hiro. I love him even now."

Confusion flickered across those beautiful eyes. "But why Shu? He treats you like dirt! He repeatedly throws you out. He hurts you..." He trailed a hand across my shoulder and my gaze followed it. I could just about see the newly formed purple welt that looked angry and as painful as it actually was.

"Oh don't be silly Hiro, Yuki didn't do that... I... I fell." Hoping my lie would be as convincing to him as I found it to myself. But the lie didn't faze him and his gaze bore deep into my eyes, searching for something deep inside me.

"He. Hurts. You. I've known you for long enough to know when you are lying Shuichi Shindou. And you always were a bad liar. It's a god damn purple hand print for fucks sake! ... I would have thought you would trust me enough to let me in by now." He went back to holding me, tighter this time. I felt claustrophobic. Almost as though I was drowning in his presence. I started to push away gently but his grip held me firmly close to him.

"Shuichi please hear me out... please." He sighed closing his eyes and letting them fall back against the white enamel of the radiator. He let me go slightly but I was curious and stayed in his arms looking up at him. His expression like before. Concentrating on words he didn't quite now how to say. Like he was rehearsing them in his mind over and over again. Eyes shut like he was pretending that I wasn't there and it would help the words come easier. "Shuichi I... I mean _we_ are all worried about you. Lately you just haven't been you. You're growing distant from us... from me..." I cocked my head quizzically to one side but let him continue. "I know you love him but this one sided love is destroying you Shuichi. You need someone who loves you in return. He doesn't deserve your love. I mean you're beautiful and bubbly and I... we love you... I just feel like this is all going to go horribly wrong." His rehearsed words filled with regret but determination.

"I love him Hiro. You know I do." I rested my head back upon his chest, turning away from him so I wouldn't have to look him in the eyes. "You always told me that I should follow my heart. That time when you figured out before I even did that I had feelings for him, you told me that..." I felt him nod but I still would not look at him. "There is nothing I can do. I love him. And I cannot bare to be separated from him for even a night. My heart aches without him near by. I feel like I'm dying around him but at the same time it is knowing he is there that keeps me alive." I sighed. "I know you don't understand..."

"I understand more than you know Shuichi." A hand reached round to cup my chin and bring to look into his eyes but I blushed and looked away, catching the glint of pain as it crossed across his face, if only for an instant. "You can't change someone who doesn't want to be changed though. As much as you try, you will just exhaust yourself. And he will continue to hurt you..."

"I can try Hiro... I can try..."

* * *

Ehem. Umm yea. I know this isn't probably as well written as I would have liked it to be. I think in my who history as a writer this is the most conversation characters have ever had. I prefer internal ramblings and monologues. That said though, all of this just seemed to flow from me. It felt so heart felt and I really do care for Hiro quite a bit (though I love tormenting Shuichi). Maybe I see Shuichi as part of me, after all I have the matching pink hair and I just want my own Prince Hiro to come and carry me off. I hope at least this time Hiro doesn't seem as OOC as the main fic has made him seem. But to be fair there is a load of shit that has happened between now and then. Not to mention what comes next. I cant actually believe I'm going to at least attempt to write it. I am excited but I know it has to be written tonight otherwise my creative juices will just seep out of me and it will be messy.

Please review. Pretty please :D


	3. Chapter 3

Warnings: Little more than some 'bad language' in this one I'm afraid. In fact if I was you I would just skip to the next chapter. Not even bother with this one actually if you are skirmish, but I don't mean in a blood and guts sort of way. I want to tell you really I do I want it to be a surprise.

Disclaimers: All characters belong to Maki Murakami (as well as some odd potatoes).

* * *

I stared at the door, wondering what I would say to the blonde novelist who would open it. Would I tell him I loved him and missed him? Would I apologize for something I hadn't even realized I had done?

I had stayed at Hiro's for 4 more nights after I had developed a slight fever from being in the cold for so long. My head still felt groggy and I my nose ran continuously ran like the Niagara falls, but I felt guilty about leaving Yuki all alone for so long. I knew he would want me when his hangover had kicked in the next day he always did like being nursed, but I had felt too weak to move and Hiro had been dead set against letting me return to him though there was nothing he could do to stop me. It was like gravity pulling me back to him. He may be the source of my pain but he is also the source of my love.

I smiled to myself, again thinking how this would all work out in the deranged dream world of my mind. Yuki would open the door and throw his arms around me, sobbing that he was so sorry and he though that I would surely have froze to death when he noticed that I had forgotten to take my shoes and coat! Hiro however had a spare pair of too big for me wellies that he lent me and I had also borrowed one of his coats, it smelt like him and it felt like a safety blanket wrapped around me, giving me the power to come here this day.

I summoned my strength and pressed the buzzer to his flat. Usually he would come down and meet me when he was in one of his better moods, I guess this wasn't The door just opened slowly, with the faint hiss of the mechanics. The hallway was sterile and reminded me too much of a hospital, though of course it always did, but I would grin and bare it because I knew at the top of the elevator I would see _my_ Yuki again. God how I had missed him. Hiro had even disappointingly pointed out that I had called the novelist's name during my fevered ramblings as he had tended to me.

Yuki's door, number 10. I chewed my bottom lip nervously and as I went to knock but the door swang inwards and a man had his talon like grip on my arms pulling me in with such force that I tripped over the too big boots and went toppling to the floor, landing heavily on my side. But the man I was expecting to see only stood above me and sneered down at me, it of course being my own stupidity the reason that I had fallen. A cigarette hung limply from one side of his mouth. His once kissable lips were turned into an angry frown. And those eyes that were usually filled with quiet contemplation were drowned in loathing.

"Where have you been?" His voice almost an inaudible whisper.

I sank further away from him, trying to escape that dangerous and unexpected gaze. "At Hiro's... I... I was ill... I thought if I came home, that you would get ill too and that would make you upset." I stammered and lied. But really Hiro hadn't wanted me to come home at all. He feared that Yuki would hurt me again but 4 nights is a long time without his touch and I missed it. Even if it did cause me pain because I would rather feel hatred off my love than nothing at all.

"You're a rotten liar Brat!" Guess I would have to work on that. "You've been sleeping with him haven't you! You stink of him!"

Shock tore at my heart as if it was breaking in two. "How could you even think that!" I scrambled up clinging to him desperately. Tears were pouring from my eyes and I finally let the mask that I held on to so tightly fall, never wanting to cry in his presence as it was just another thing that he found childish and annoying. "I love _you_ not Hiro! He's my best friend! He was taking care of me because I was ill!" I could smell the alcohol on his breath and his eyes from this close looked blood shot and puffy. By the looks of it, he hadn't slept or came out of his drunken stupor in days.

"LIAR!" He roughly backhanded me across the face, throwing me to the floor and leaving me with a split lip that welled blood and dribbled down my face. I couldn't bare to look him in the eyes anymore. I felt so pathetic and weak. This was my fault he was angry. If I had just gone home when he had phoned Hiro that night looking for me...

"Yuki... I..." My voice was trembling and I could feel my whole body shaking. The blood on my lip tasted warm and metallic. I tried desperately to edge away from the man whom I thought I considered my love as he walked towards me. He dropped and then stamped on his cigarette before grabbing me roughly by the arm and hoisting me upwards, then throwing himself upon my lips greedily, biting and suffocating me relentlessly. His body was hot against mine and through the fabric of his lounge pants I could feel the heat and hardness of his member and knew what was to come.

There have only been a few times when Yuki had thrown himself upon me in such a way and gladly I had learned to block these memories from my mind. But I still shuddered and winced, though I knew it would be easier and less painful to just give him what he wanted and be done with it. He began to trail his tongue over my flesh and down my neck, nibbling and biting so hard that he actually drew blood. I couldn't help but yelp and it seemed that it only made him more aroused.

"Shuichi~ I think you need to be taught a lesson about who you belong to." I groaned as he pressed himself against me. I couldn't help myself. It had been so long since he had last touched me. I hated the way my body responded to his treatment. Of course Yuki would be rough with me at times but there would also be a tenderness in his touch, but he didn't have it this time.

"Please Yuki... not like this... please..." I managed to hiccup in between the sobs that wracked my body. The blonde however just ignored my pleas and pulled at my hair, forcing my head back and my mouth open in a gasp. As I did, he forced his mouth onto mine, pressing his tongue deep within my mouth, probing and penetrating, cutting off anymore protests that I might have had. His hands were busy pulling off my coat and undoing my jeans.

I tried feebly to push him away but it only made him rougher with his molestations. He was getting more urgent in his movements now, fumbling in his haste. His hands gripped one of my wrists and he pulled me to the bedroom where he could make himself more comfortable. I was still weak from my fever and did not have the strength to fend him off anymore. So I just sobbed, sniffling with a runny nose made worse from illness, my free wrist coming up to bat away the snot dribbling down my face which was making it harder to breathe.

Yuki threw me onto the bed, and even though it was incredibly soft, it still sent pain throughout my battered and bruised body. By the time I had managed to turn, Yuki stood there completely naked and was staring down at me with a sense of achievement on his chiseled features. His erection proud and unhindered. I winced inwardly knowing of course he wouldn't take any steps to insure my comfort.

He pulled the already loosened jeans from my legs, along with my own boxer shorts, groaning with arousment as he saw the pale flesh beneath them. He throbbed now, and every moment that caused friction would cause a low moan to escape from those pale lips. Jeans off, he proceeded to flip me onto my stomach. His finger nails raking down my now exposed back, and I could feel the blood trickling out from the wounds and running down my skin.

I braced myself as I felt the larger man positioning him self on me. My hands gripped tightly to the sheets, my eyes burned, my nose ran, and my sobs had turned to small hiccups in exhaustion.

I felt his member slowly press against me before entering in one painful ripping motion. I gasped tipping my head back and tried to pull away from his grip but this only succeeded in putting my head nearer to his reach. And he clung to the roots of my hair to keep me in position. Slowly he started rocking against me. Blood lubricating a rarely used and ill-prepared passage. And the tears that I thought had all dried up flowed freely again through pain and humiliation.

The speed of his thrusts increased and his hands moved to my hips slamming himself into me over and over again. My face now able to hide in the pillows but I could not stop myself from yelping every time he would pull me up to meet his slick member.

It wasn't soon before I could feel him reaching his climax. His pants had turned to throaty grunts and each of his movements was more desperate than the last.

"Yu-ki..." I groaned. As he thrust one last time as deep as he could into me, I felt his body shudder against my own.

And then I blacked out.

* * *

Umm. Holy shit did I just write that. Umm. I think I did I was half asleep at the time but... yea. Please don't kill me. In truth I have never written anything like that before in my life and it scared me. In fact I remember taking a 30 minute break to write to my sister in-law in the middle and I thought that distraction would have been enough to put me out of my stride but actually it came out pretty well considering I've only ever read one 'rape' fic in the past. Though I've read plenty of YuShu smut.

Please, pretty please review this chapter.


	4. Chapter 4

Warnings: Graphic description of a first time Self Injury (Triggering to some).

Disclaimers: All characters belong to Maki Murakami (as well as some odd potatoes).

* * *

Groaning I tried to sit up, a foggy haze smothering my mind. A strong muscled arm held me in place across my waist, gripping my flesh harder as I moved away from it. My body screamed in protest and my joints popped quietly as I gently removed the naked man's arm from my body. He grumbled slightly, his brow furrowed and I froze in fear that I had woken him. Waiting until the moment had passed and he was back to gently snoring, curled up with the sheet knotted around his body. He looked so angelic there. So peaceful. This was the side no one got to see of my lover but me. I smiled to myself watching him with hooded eyes, though I winced as the movement cracked an already split lip. I touched it gently and it throbbed painfully, pulling my hand back I saw the smear of crimson that now marked my flesh.

A torrent of memories clawed at me. The reasons I was in so much pain. I was thrown across the room, , beaten, violated and "punished"... _"Shuichi~ I think you need to be taught a lesson about who you belong to." _A lonely tear fell across my cheek and sadness pinched at my soul.

Sitting up successfully this time, I whimpered quietly grabbing up the blanket that had been neglected to the floor after last nights... events, and wrapped it around my shoulders. The movement troubling me somewhat, making me remember the hand print shaped bruise, it was still just as livid as the day he had given it to me roughly 5 nights ago now.

Every step I took from the bed, made pain shoot through my body. I winced with every step but I couldn't help it. I stumbled and dragged myself along. I coughed weakly, falling to the floor landing on the remains of a sticky brown broken bottle that had been thrown against the wall and smashed. It smelled strongly of whiskey. I wanted to yelp but instead I bit instinctively down upon my lip, causing more of the warm dark liquid to spill into my mouth.

Blood began to soak through the blanket. The glass had lacerated the top side of my left forearm. It was only about 2 inches long but it wasn't deep and probably didn't even need stitches In fact I had had worse. But the pain for some reason had grounded me. All of the suffering, heart ache and confusion seemed to disappear and clarity flooded into me. I focused on the blood that was seeping from the wound. It felt... I'm ashamed to say... It felt good. It felt real. Like it was the only thing in my existence that was real. The physical pain of the rest of my body was just an illusion. Everything that had happened lately. All the rapes and beatings, all the coldness my lover had started to show to me, they all disappeared and the thing that I could feel was the warmth and the release. There was only me and that moment and I was floating peacefully away.

Yuki groaned and tossed in the bed. My mind snapped back to the present. The pain forgotten in the torrent of fear that fell over me. Clutching the blanket around myself tighter I stood, ignoring the throbbing pain radiating from every joint in my body. Carefully I picked up the shard of razor like glass and took it with me. Hoping Yuki wouldn't notice the blood that had pooled on the oak flooring. I slowly stumbled towards the bathroom on the adjoining hallway, quietly closing and then locking the door behind me. I slid my back down the wood to meet the icy tiles, letting out the sobs that I had been trying to hold back. It shook me ferociously and my body wracked with a horrible flemy cough that matched it in strength.

I don't know how long I cried for, minutes or hours but all I know is the tears wouldn't come any more. I felt exhausted and faint. The fever that never truly had left me raised its head again. And it _must_ have been the fever causing my mind to fog, because I took the shard of glass, already caked in dry crusty blood placed it on my flesh next to the first wound that by this time had stopped bleeding and was hardly noticeable under the skin of flaking blood that covered and surrounded it.

I slid the glass across my skin slowly, fascinated by the cold and faceted edge as I purposefully cut through my own skin. It didn't feel like I was in my body anymore. I just felt so numb and so empty. The would was shallow, hardly bleeding at all. Nothing more than a deep paper cut really.

The next one bled more. The next one even more so. Each time I brought the glass across my flesh I would press harder and harder, trying to feel the same release that I had done only moments ago.

The blood ran freely over my skin, dripping into a puddle beneath me. My mind filled with clarity and all I could feel was the pain. This pain being of my own devising. Something I could control, something that was mine.

I could hear Yuki fumbling in the bedroom, trying to get to his phone that was ringing loudly on the bed side table. Bile raised in my throat as I realized what I had done. If Yuki found me like this I don't know what I would have done. He would either beat me some more or tell me that he didn't care. Both I don't think I could stand right now.

I stood up quickly, the blood rushing to my head, made me feel horribly weak and light headed. Leaning against the wall, I made my way over to the shower, turning onto its hottest setting. As the water heated I agonizingly bent to clear up the pool blood with a tissue before it dried. When I stood again, I caught a glance of myself in the mirror and inwardly groaned.

I was a wreck, my face was swollen but not outwardly bruised (thank-god) but my lip was swollen and puffy, blood from the small cut had dribbled down my chin. Across my left shoulder from joint to collar bone was a deep purple bruise, almost shaped like a hand I'll admit, and at the end of each fingertip was a small crescent wound caused by his nails biting into my flesh. I had similar bruises though not as large and defined on both sides of my hips, though I was sure that the marks had just not fully bloomed yet. And blood had trailed down the inside of my legs from the force Yuki had used on me. Though out of all these it was the four cuts, parallel to each other running down my left forearm that captured my attention and imagination. They weren't life threatening of course, though they should atleast have been bandaged but they looked more angry than everything else. I still couldn't comprehend why I had done it to myself... I wasn't ashamed for some reason. I just felt... numb. I had yearned for this new and exciting feeing, lasting only mere seconds, needing more and more slashes to help dull the pain that was crushing my soul.

I stood there for a time looking at the unfamiliar boy staring back at me until the heat of shower clouded the mirror and I was bathed in steam. The shower beckoned me and I let the heat wash over me, clearing my conscience and tending to my broken body. The heat soothed me, and the water pooling around my feet turned to a light red, mixing with the blood that drained into it.

* * *

Yea... Another um 'moment'. I don't think this is melding as happily as I want it to. There are too many bits all over the place. This whole chapter was a pain to be honest. I could see it all unfurling in my mind but couldn't find the right words to put down. I hate causing Shuichi pain, but he never seems to complain about it. ~ All the major things I wanted to accomplish with these last three chapters I have done. At-least that is something to be happy about. ~ Its all unraveling at a stupidly fast pace though and I'm trying my hardest to keep up.

Ed.

Please Read and Review. Please :(


	5. Chapter 5

Warnings: None :D Well actually does stupidity count?

Disclaimers: All characters belong to Maki Murakami (as well as some odd potatoes).

* * *

"I'm sorry... I..." He brought a hand up to gingerly stroke my face. And I couldn't help but flinch and move away from his caress. The blondes hands were soft against the pale skin.

"It's nothing." I mumbled, my gaze dropping from his. Suddenly my bare feet had become so interesting. I scrunched my toes up, feeling the smooth surface of the wooden floor beneath them. I marveled at the way I could only move my first two with dexterity and the rest just seemed to move pathetically. [1]

"Damn it Brat. Look at me!" Strong hands cupped my chin and I was forced to look into hazel eyes that were flecked with shades of gold. I could always get lost in those eyes, swimming in his gaze. Though this time regret and self-loathing radiated from a usually unreadable expression. "I'm sorry... I..."

"Its fine Yuki. Really _I'm _fine." I lied. But it felt as though I was dying inside. Anger raged in my soul. I was pathetic. Though I couldn't help but drown in his presence, especially after what he had done to me. I drank it in like it was a sweet nectar. Last night wasn't the first time, nor would it be the last. But each time I had convinced myself it wouldn't happen again, that deep down he loved me and he was doing nothing but punishing me for my own stupidity. There was always a reason for Yuki's actions towards me, though most of the time I couldn't tell what it was. There had been time where he had thrown me from his home for doing nothing more than being in the same room as him with a cold.

The gashes on my arm stung with a surprising heat and ferocity beneath the bandages that I had put on after my shower, and suddenly I wanted to be anywhere but here. My skin crawled and itched. I couldn't bear having him touching me. But at the same time I couldn't bear to have him not touching me. My soul felt like it was ripping in two.

I tried to shrug the novelist off but his grip, although soft and warm, held me firm. He brushed his thumb lightly over the broken skin off my lip, the swelling had gone down a little but it was still tender and cracked when I talked. But my lips parted a little and he leant over to leave a chaste kiss on them. I pushed the memories of last night far to the distant reaches of my mind. He tasted like fresh black coffee and the smoke of his favorite brand of cigarettes. He must have helped himself to it as I showered. His arms moved to wrap around me, careful of the bruises I couldn't hide in the thick long-sleeved jumper and jeans.

I pulled away from the kiss surprised by the tenderness of it, and leant my head on his chest, trying as hard as I could to pretend that nothing had ever happened between us. God, how I wanted everything to go back to how it was only a few months ago. Of course even then he had never showed me any compassion, but I knew it was there, deep with him and locked away from me. All he needed was love. I know it sounds cliché but I was a fool enough to believe it. And I was the one who might have been able to break down this cold exterior and warm his heart. Now I wasn't too sure anymore, did I still have the strength within me.

"Hiro said that I should leave you..." I whispered against him, clinging to the soft material of the dark purple silk shirt he wore, its colour bringing out the gold in his eyes. His arms tightened around me, pressing me to his sculpted body. But he didn't say a thing. We stood there in silence, contented enough to let him hold me. Our minds both racing with possibilities, each more frightening than the last. His heart and mine beating in unison. If I had known that this would be one of the last times that he would hold me with care I would have stayed in his embrace until the stars fell from the sky.

After a while I looked up, studying his eyes. But all I could see in them was pain. He went to say something but I raised my hand to place a finger upon his soft lips. "But I love you Eiri Uesugi... You know that I do. I never want to leave you. And I will be here with you... always."

Why did I always forgive him? _Why!?_

* * *

[1] Yea I have exactly this problem. Really annoys me. I can grip with my big toe and second on both feet. But the rest are completely useless. One more thing about Ed you didn't know.

Short chapter, but I wanted some closure and to show you all just how naïve Shuichi really is. You guys must hate me by now. Got some quite serious crap going on right now so I don't think I will be able to update as regularly as I have been doing. If its more than a couple of weeks give me a good ol' kick up the backside. I promise it wont take nearly five years this time to do a whole story. But at this rate I do think that this is going to be quite a long story. Eep.

Also, I want to thank Petale-de-Rose for making me smile. Its lovely to hear from such a compassionate person :) Ill try and not make you cry as much... though I might just send you hankies instead.


	6. Chapter 6

Warnings: References to self harm.

Disclaimers: All characters belong to Maki Murakami (as well as some odd potatoes).

* * *

Months went by and we never talked of that night. In fact we barely talked at all. Yuki was busy working on his novels and I was busy with the band. He was never outwardly cold or violent to me since but neither did he show me any attention at all. If he did it was only to tell me I was a brat or that I was doing something annoying. Part of me insisted that this was because he feared that he would hurt me again. But the truth was I would beg for him to touch me be it in love or anger. Pain, I always told myself was better than the crushing loneliness that gripped at my soul.

It was only a few weeks ago that Yuki locked himself into his study again. Another meeting with his editor, leading inevitably to another dead line. And I was told that under no circumstances could I disturb him while he worked. I had laughed it off at the time and promised that I wouldn't bother him. Though the glare he gave me made me knew I would regret it if I did. I saw that glare more and more as the time went by, and I winced inwardly every-time I saw it but would pretend to brush it off as no more than an idol threat. But if solitude and peace kept my love happy, I would leave him be. But even as he took his breaks, emerging from the tiny room for a fresh pot of coffee or the occasional snack, even to go out for more cigarettes (no matter how many times I offered to go for him so that he could keep working), he would ignore me.

Occasionally, though I knew he didn't think that I saw, he would gaze at me beneath those golden bangs to watch me, his expression unreadable and dangerous. Contemplating something I would never understand. We rarely talked these days and lately I had been distancing myself from my lover. Not wanting to anger the man. I had also been cutting.

I know that its stupid. I know that its dangerous and shunned on by society. But since falling on the glass that night and feeling the blood seep from me I had become addicted to the feeling, the clarity and peace that it would give me. I could have control over something in my life for once. Control that Yuki Eiri could not deny me.

Every time I cut I promised myself that it would be the last time. I didn't do it much though, the act however pleasurable still made me nervous. It was once every few days at first, leaving a few new thin wounds marring my arms. None of them were as deep as the ones from the day after Yuki had raped me. I had been ashamed and thrown the glass away, making sure to clean up every spec of blood that was evidence of my 'accident', scrubbing until my hands were raw... Or perhaps it was a revelation. Either way... It was addicting. My cuts were now designed with a much sharper and better designed implement. Being a young man of course no body thought twice about me buying razor blades. Though I bought some shaving cream as well so they wouldn't get suspicious. What can I say? I'm paranoid like that. I didn't even need to shave, my skin resilient to the soft blossoming hair. I had then gone to a completely different shop down the rod to buy a medical kit. With my low riding cap and large sunglasses no one had expected that it would have been the lead singer of Bad Luck buying those implements of self torture.

I had taken to wearing long-sleeved tops all the time too, and I had insisted in wearing nothing but tight shirts that covered my arms for photo-shoots with the band. They of course thought that perhaps I was just growing up or that my new melancholy attitude was nothing more than a phase, though maybe it was. My darker songs just lured more fans under our spell and crave for us more.

Only Hiro had suspected that it had something to do with Yuki's distant behavior towards me. He never said anything openly of course but I could sense him watching me with quiet contemplation. I hadn't seen him much since that night and his actions had confused me, so I let them be. I just couldn't figure out what they meant. Perhaps I was being foolish, perhaps I was scared and preoccupied with my own torment. Though to be fair, I hadn't want to see anyone out of work. I would go back to Yuki's place, yes it was still Yuki's place and never ours, and sit in silence until I would fall asleep. Yuki had once complained that I make too much noise as I moved around the flat so I had taken to spending all my time on the couch or in the bathroom. I would cut in there and no one would be any the wiser. Yuki of course never saw these self inflicted marvels that marred my skin, like I said he wouldn't approach me, or even dare I say, take me. Though if he ever saw the fresh cuts criss-crossed with the pinkish swollen scars, I don't know what I would say. Would I tell him, that they were because of him, perhaps filling with guilt or would I just sit there and sob, apologizing over and over again.

One day at work Hiro finally approached me. I had figured it was coming for a while now and was actually surprised it hadn't happened sooner. I had been avoiding him for just this reason alone.

We had finished our latest album "Hurt Me" and it was destined to sell. The singles were already doing well in the charts with "What you do to me" reaching third and "Shadows" reaching the top place. The others had gone out and celebrated but I had claimed tiredness and left them to it. This album was dark, just like my mood, though the others had accepted it and had I think enjoyed the more laid back songs, that weren't as bubbly and energetic. None of them thought that there could possibly be a deeper meaning behind these lyrics.

I neatly stacked the papers that held my lyrics on the table, trying to avoid the guitarists eyes as he walked over to me. "Do you fancy joining me for a drink after work Shuichi?" He placed a hand on my arm and I winced. Partly because I didn't like being touched much anymore but mainly because of the 3 new deep gashes on my upper arm that still throbbed and ached, being only hours old. I had retreated to the bathroom on our lunch break and had proceeded to rip into my flesh with a frightening ferocity. The feeling I sought, of a numbed emptiness getting harder to achieve, needed more deeper and longer cuts in order to feel at peace.

I would have hoped that Hiro wouldn't have felt the bandages underneath my loose fitting shirt but Hiro was always so observant.

I pulled away from his touch, knowing that I had probably just re-opened the wounds. The crusty scabs giving way from crimson droplets to fall that would soak through the bandage and eventually the shirt. My skin crawled and itched, thousands of ants could have been crawling over my flesh at that moment. God I needed to get out of here, I didn't need this right now... I needed to cut.

"What's wrong with your arm Shu?" Fear flickered across hazel eyes that were usually so full of passion and energy.

"Nothing I just banged it the other day... I would come out with you but I'm just busy that's all. With Yuki working so hard on his novels at the moment he needs someone to take care of him. He needs food and I promised I would pick up his cigarettes on the way home. He gets cranky without them..." I tried to smile at him but I could feel the blood beginning to slide down my arm. God why of all days wasn't I wearing a black shirt or something.

I scanned the room desperately trying to find a way out but the guitarist blocked my way. K was on the phone to someone and Suguru and Sakano were looking at something on a computer screen. It was doubtful any of them could hear us as we talked with hushed voices. I couldn't escape. Panic clutched at my heart.

"I keep telling you that you're bad at lying. And I know you can't cook. I know remember? I've been your guinea pig plenty of times before. Now tell me what's wrong. You've been avoiding me ever since that night I found you in the park..." He went to stroke my face but hesitated, his eyes glittered with a mix of emotions. Instead he just moved closer to me, his face near mine. I could smell marzipan scent of Dr Pepper, his favorite drink on his breath.

I shot him a venomous glare, angry at him for bringing it up after he had promised he wouldn't. "There is nothing wrong Hiroshi. Nothing at all. And I'm not avoiding you..." I tried to pass the moment off with a half hearted smile. "I'm just busy and its making me tired."

"I did enough of med-school before I quit to recognize the signs of depression when I see them Shuichi. My brother Yuji suffered with it too" He sighed, forcing me into his warm strong arms. The feeling was horribly foreign to me. My head span. I couldn't get enough air. Blood reached my elbow and began to drop onto the fabric of my shirt.

"I care about you too damn much to let this slide, you know." He gave one of those beautiful secret smiles of his. The ones that would make me do anything he asked. I gritted my teeth together, I wouldn't fall for it this time... "I wont tell the others but I want you to come spend a few night at mine. Just for a little while. I want to talk. Yuki wont miss you, he's busy all the time..."

_He's busy all the time. _His words echoed in my mind. Emotions flooded me a cascade of pain. They suffocated and consumed me. Why would he want to spend time with me anyway? I was broken and destroyed. I was nothing more than a pathetic and stupid. Nothing more than a brat. But I was his brat.

I felt fire all over my skin. The ghost of every bruise my lover had left on my began to throb, the pain quickly intensifying. I could hear my name being faintly called but I couldn't focus on the source.

The world span faster and faster around me. Hiro looked like nothing more than a blur. I could feel myself falling though I felt no pain from the impact.

"SHUICHI!" A voice called but it was so distant.

_Yu-ki... help me..._

Shadows blurred round the edge of my vision, people crowding round me...

_Yu-ki..._

And then there was nothing.

* * *

Having a pretty crappy time at the moment, worrying about things I have no control over. And the reason this is being updated so often, is that I'm working on it as a distraction. Over the past few days I've had very little sleep. And I know I'm eventually going to burn out. How very Yuki of me. I'm glad though that I know exactly where I'm taking this at-least but I need to go back to studying before my mind is crammed with useless fan-girl facts.


	7. Chapter 7

Awesomesauce-umness - 3 To my amazing Beta reader, Petal-de-Rose. Go read her stuff and give her pocky!

Warnings: More stupidity and references to self harm.

Disclaimers: All characters belong to Maki Murakami (as well as some odd potatoes).

* * *

"Yu-ki..."

Someone placed a damp cloth at my forehead and patted softly, gently arousing me from my slumber. I didn't remember much, just a horrible constricting feeling in my chest. Falling and then the world turning to black.

Suddenly a gust of cold air blew against the skin of my bare chest and I shuddered, goose-bumps jumping to attention on my flesh. _Bare chest? _ What the? My right hand shot up. Desperately grasping for material that was no longer there. The realization bringing me to my senses with horror.

"Whoa there! It's okay Shuichi! Its okay your safe with me." Calloused hands gripped my hand firmly causing me look into the familiar worried hazel eyes of its owner.

"Hi-ro?" I croaked. My throat was dry and my tongue felt like sandpaper in my mouth.

He smiled at me sadly as he reached for a glass on the bed side table. As he did so I took in my surroundings. I was in Hiro's bed at his flat. "What happened?"

"You collapsed at work Shuichi. Sakano wanted to phone an ambulance but I told them that you were just exhausted and stressed from working on the album for so long." He poured water into the glass from the jug that stood beside it. "K helped me carry you to his van and he drove us here. You've been asleep since yesterday Shu."

He passed the glass to me and I went to take it from him but I paused as my gaze dropped upon the naked arm before me. It was crossed in wounds in varying states of repair, some scars looking nothing like small white lines, some angry, raised and pink. There were cuts that had been parted so efficiently and deeply, that puss and crusted blood had tried to fill the gaping gaps. And Hiro had seen them, he had learned my darkest secret and all I wanted to do was die. God I needed to cut so badly right now. To feel anything other than this suffocating embarrassment.

My breath hitched in my throat and I stifled a sob that threatened to escape. "Have you told anyone?" I looked away from him, studying the patterns on his wallpaper.

"No." He replied quietly. I could feel his eyes upon me. Pity and sadness radiated from them.

My eyes burned with the tears that threatened to fall and I clamped them shut. Willing them not to fall.

He placed the glass back on the table and shuffled onto the bed so that he could hold me without touching the wounds that had reopened yesterday, that I had noticed were freshly bound and the blood that had slithered down my arm had been wiped away.

I lay stiffly in his embrace. Looking everywhere but into his eyes. "Why Shuichi..."

I shrugged, annoyed at myself that I should be having this conversation in the first place. Maybe Yuki was right. Maybe I was just a pathetic screw up. "So you're a therapist now too." I said, though it sounded harsher than I meant it to be. But I couldn't help myself. Anger just filled me threatening to overflow.

His grip grew tighter. "That's not it Shuichi! I _love _you! You know I do and it scares me. I just... I don't understand!" I felt a small teardrop fall onto my naked flesh. "I could tell you were depressed, what with the new songs, the clothing, everything. But I hadn't realized it had gone this far. God I don't want to loose you Shu..." I felt more tears fall, and I turned awkwardly to finally look up into his eyes that glistened sadly.

I lifted a hand, trying not to look at my marred flesh and stroked a tear from his cheek. "Hiro... I..." I sighed, thinking what I would say to my best friend. How could I tell him of the crushing emptiness, the loneliness. The way I always felt like there were chains constricting my heart. How the cutting helped ease the pain. "I'm fine." Was all that I could answer.

"Like hell you are Shuichi!" I winced and the venom in his voice. But he just sighed, releasing one hand to rub at his eyes. He let his head fall back against the headboard. "This is my fault," he said, barely above a whisper. So quiet that I didn't think that I had heard him at all.

"How is it your fault Hiro? Was it you that beat me? Did you rape me? Are you cold and distant from me when all I want to do is sit in your presence? No Hiro this isn't your fault." He went to protest but I rested a finger on his lips silencing him. "Its not Yuki's either. Its mine it always has been. I love him, I do even now but I gave him all that I could and all I have to show for it is loneliness." I moved away from him, wrapping my arms around myself for protection and comfort. "All I have are my scars. Reminders of just how stupid I am. A cut for every mistake I have made. A cut for every night alone." Tears of my own began to fall, leaving fiery trails across my cheeks.

"Shuichi..." He moved towards me his eyes never leaving mine. And I didn't realize what was happening until he caught me in a gentle but passionate kiss.

Of course we had kissed before, that was nothing new to me. In fact when Yuki and I had first gotten together, Hiro had let me practice french kissing on him. Just kissing mind you. Everything else I had to learn from Yuki, if you get what I mean. This kiss was different though. His lips were smooth and moist unlike Yuki's which had been tainted by nicotine and beer. He tasted like marzipan and when I didn't resist and he took that as a signal to continue his gentle probing. It felt so good but delightfully unfamiliar.

After a while he nibbled at my lower lip hungrily and they parted as a low moan escaped me. I let him into my mouth, letting him explore while he pulled me hard against his chest. To this day I will never forget that kiss. It drowned me in so many feelings that he couldn't explain. Love, anguish, hurt and guilt. So many years of desperation.

We sat there holding each other, crying as we kissed, trying to express what we both felt deep inside. I had indeed known that he loved me, but I had always playfully ignored his advances, mistaking it for nothing more than brotherly affection. I did love him. But I loved Yuki too.

It was only when we both needed air did we break the kiss. And I came away panting somewhat. My lips tingled and tasted of him. We sat there silently for a while contented with the breathing of the other. My conscience bit at me painfully. "I love you Hiro." I paused. Hiro's face lit up in astonishment. "But... we cant do this. You know we cant. I've told you before."

His expression dropped and I found myself looking upon a man whose heart was slowly breaking in two. "Let _me_ love you Shuichi. Let me help you." He brought a hand up to caress my marred arms. I winced but I didn't pull away. "Please."

"But I love him too Hiro. There isn't a second that goes by without my heart craving to see him. To be near him for as long as he allows. I could never live a life where he wasn't in it."

The man before me just nodded sadly and we untangled our limbs, then he stood and left me alone with my thought. His leaving making my soul ache horribly. My mind running with the possibilities and his taste lingering on my lips.

* * *

Please forgive me for the late update. It feels like this has been sitting in my email box forever. So shall I give you the reason why its late and the why I might be a little slower than I usually am in updating this? One word. Relapse. Quite a bad one this time. *sigh* Too much shit going on at the moment too. And its a struggle just to get out of bed these days. Anyway perhaps the next chapter will help a little. Though I very much doubt it.

Also thank-you to all my new reviewers and stalkers. Perhaps It's a good reason I'm paranoid.


	8. Chapter 8

Awesomesauce-umness – How amazing is my Petal-de-Rose. Yes _mine_! She's an amazing person and an epic beta reader.

Warnings: Self-harm

Disclaimers: All characters belong to Maki Murakami (as well as some odd potatoes).

* * *

The heat of the water seeped into my pale, aching flesh and the scented bubbles tickled as I slipped slowly into the waiting bathtub. The steam rose in pale curls that clawed at the air. There is nothing better than a hot bath after a hard day. Well perhaps having a soothing, warm bubble bath with blades at the ready.

I relaxed, letting my body fall beneath the suds, grateful as they moved to cover my marred flesh.

The latest cuts stung with ferocity but soon they turned to a dull ache as the water washed them clean. If only water could cleanse the soul, the spirit. If each time I surrounded myself in the warmth I would emerge like a phoenix from the ashes, instead of needing my deadly cure to survive.

God that felt good and damn did I need it. The hectic day of preparing for a tour of Japan and having to do so many interviews; it took its tole. I lost count after a while, the interviews becoming a haze of robotic repitition. But I think what chewed at my heart today was Hiro...

The guitarist had been doing his best to avoid me today, a hard feat when it was just the three of you all the time. He had instead been either focusing all his attention on his guitar, his treasured Ibanez RG [1], or he had talked to Suguru, who had eventually gone back to working on various arrangements of remixes of our latest songs.

He must have been desperate though, he even tried to help K but the crazy, American blonde had shrugged it off again and again, and eventually when K was at his last straw of being hindered by the brunette had taken his trusty magnum from his holster and threatened to blow Hiro's brains all over the floor if didn't stop bothering him.

Mr Sakano had intervened for Hiro's part and had just about managed to save his life. One thing to always make sure you remember, is to never piss off a gun toting band manager, especially if you want to live for longer than 5 minutes.

We were all stressed. And it hurt terribly.

For some reason the day had passed for me in a dizzy, nonstop whirlwind, sort of like the ones that Mr Sakano would constantly make. I couldn't ground myself. I couldn't cut, rather I couldn't find the time to. I was clumsy and stupid, dropping things constantly and asking what to them, were daft questions. I thought I saw sympathy in Hiro's eyes once when I met them once but they had quickly turned to an unreadable gaze and he had turned away. _Damn it Hiro..._

The work day had ended early when K finally snapped demanding that after the next interview all of Bad Luck would go home and that he and Mr Sakano would finalize the details of the tour for us to look over the next day. "We were absolutely useless."

As we left in unison I tried to talk to Hiro. Gently taking his arm and guiding him away from the crowd. I hated for us to be this way, he was my best friend, the matching half of my soul. I had to apologize. No I _needed_ to apologize but the man only looked upon me with empty, glistening eyes, hidden behind his chestnut bangs, telling me he needed time alone to think. He had lifted one of his soft hands to reach for my arm where he had re-bandaged the wound only yesterday. But before he had placed it upon me he had shook his head and walked off, refusing to look at me again. And I had returned to the flat that I shared with Yuki Eiri, surprised when I saw that he wasn't at work.

I sighed, toeing the faucet to let more hot water rush against me. The memories burning just as painfully as the liquid surrounding me. Slowly I reached for the blade that lay on the white porcelain. No matter how warm I felt, my soul felt icy and numb. It felt agonizingly tight and it was hard to breathe.

The light glistened off the edge of the stainless steel. Each movement causing light to run across it, teasing me mercilessly.

Placing the blade on my upper arm I gently ran the metal across, savouring the feeling. Knowing that it wouldn't take much more to break the flesh and release the crimson liquid.

I ran it across a second time, slowly and deeply. Sighing as the blade parted from my skin leaving a deep ravine that had yet to fill with blood, you could see the fatty layer beneath slowly redden in colour before the blood spilled out. It was deep and probably needed stitches but it would just have to be bound tightly and join the other half healed wounds that could have done with treating too.

The bubbles around my body slowly began to tint to a soft pink.

I banged my head on the back of the bathtub and I was greeted with bright stars that flooded my vision for a few minutes, making me feel sick.

_Why? _Why did I do this to myself? The answer remains the same and silence echoes in my thoughts.

* * *

[1] I know nothing about guitars but coming from my best mate who is the lead singer and a guitarist in a thrash battle band (Nemesis:Children of the Fey – check them out), he says that this is a beauty so I decided to put this in.

Sorry for the short chapter. Please forgive me. And sorry for any wrecked makeup coming from tears ect. Things are a little tough here in this simple abode filled with cats and I haven't been in the right frame of mind to be typing though I promise I know exactly where this story is going and I'm sure that if you have read 'Right In Front Of Me' you will be going well what about XXX and when is XXX going to happen. And I assure you that those things will happen. I think there will be at-least 6 more chapters. And I've warned you a million times this is a prequel and the ending will not be happy.


	9. Chapter 9

Awesomesauce-umness – Petal-de-Rose is just a freaking star :D 3

Warnings: Squishyness and a song.

Disclaimers: All characters belong to Maki Murakami. The song is Anti-Nostalgic from the Gravitation series. It is also my all time favorite song too.

* * *

You know how they say time flies when you're having fun? And when you're bored, time seems to drag across the ages? Well that's what its like for me touring.

2 hours of blissful singing letting the music course through my veins and then god knows how many hours on a tour bus twiddling my thumbs with nothing to do other than sleep or join in with the others tormenting K, which I admit is a wonderful distraction. Though none of it compares to the knotted feeling deep in the pit of my stomach whenever a certain brown haired guitarist with hazel eyes is alone with me. Which I'm sure the others are trying to ensure.

I sighed trying in vain to find a comfortable position on the hard surface of my cramped bunk. You would have thought with all the money that the band makes, that K could have at-least hired a tour bus with an actually mattress each instead of this lumpy foam, stained with a thousand and one other musician's sweat.

Groaning I turned to face the wall. It had been nearly a week since the last time I cut. A private encounter with a blade in the toilets of a venue, I cant remember which, they all blur into one eventually. The new scabs had crusted over and itched like hell. Every-time I would go to itch them K would glare at me, probably thinking that I hid something under the long sleeves of my 'cozy' jumper, as I affectionately called it, it practically swamped me. At first I thought that he knew about my secret but after a few days I had decided that Hiro hadn't told him, after all Hiro had said he hadn't so K musnt have known, and went back to planning how I would next find the time to cut. My blades safely hidden in a toiletry bag at the bottom of my hold-all.

I bit the inside of my mouth, chewing on it in a nervous habit I had taken to when I couldn't hurt myself. It didn't hamper my singing ability but it did cause me taste a familiar metallic liquid, that in itself helped calm me. I could also do it when being scalded for my stupidity.

The bus currently was empty except for Hiro and myself. The others out... somewhere. I didn't pay much attention to what Suguru, K and Mr Sakano said, my mind running with a million thoughts and none of them useful. To be fair they could be having a threesome somewhere but I couldn't have cared less. I was letting the wonderful music that Hiro played on his acoustic guitar wash over me. His fingers moving deftly over the strings and his eyes hooded in silent concentration as he practiced the only song he had ever written for Bad Luck.

On this tour we would do an acoustic version of his Anti-Nostalgic each night and the girls would swoon. I know its silly but in my naivety at the time I thought the lyrics were about Ayaka, I know better now. I had later learned from the guitarist himself that that relationship was him trying to forget about me as he saw me happily with Yuki and also a vain attempt to convince himself of his own hetro-sexuality. It hadn't worked.. So he had written this song for me and hadn't told a soul about it until last week. The words had taken on a completely different meaning since then and the lyrics had taken up residence in my mind ever since, gnawing at my soul.

I sang only a whisper as he played, feeling the emotions over take me...

_Transparency dyes the night sky, and  
I walk alone on the road that always leads home._

Singing to myself, I want to send these kinds of feelings  
to you in your sleep, oh, um...

I'm tangled up in something; I'm getting a little sick of myself -  
tangled up in the feelings to convey to those days that have been left behind...  
The heart I've forgotten somewhere is starting to hurt a little.  
I keep searching for you in a night lit by the stars that are bound to that time.

I place my feelings on the receding clouds  
on the road home, where I pause to stand.

You are already a part of my continuing dreams;  
I know that (those feelings) can't possibly reach you from here.

The tears keep falling; just by being able to be close to you,  
I'm starting to want a smile, just a little...  
Someone asks questions; I'm starting to want this to make more sense.  
You cast those too-brilliant days into a fading shadow.

I lay on my side watching as he played his solo. His loose hair slowly swaying with his movements and his foot ever so slightly tapping in rhythm. He was beautiful.

I'm tangled up in something; I'm getting a little sick of myself -  
tangled up in the feelings to convey to those days that have been left behind...  
The heart I've forgotten somewhere is starting to hurt a little.  
I keep searching for you in a night lit by the stars that are bound to that time.

Slowly I stood, careful of knocking my head on the Suguru's bunk above mine, and walked over to the guitarist before me. His eyes glazed with tears as he turned away from me, tears wanting to fall but I brushed them away gently with my thumb as I cupped his face, making him look at me. "I love you Hiroshi Nakano," I whispered.

"Shu... I..." My thumb moved slowly over his face and touched his bottom lip causing it to open ever so slightly as he sighed at my touch.

I captured them in a soft kiss, not taking my eyes from his. He tried to pull away from me but my hand held him against me. And I poured my emotions, my regret and sadness into that one-sided kiss. As he finally let out the moan he was trying to hide he let his lips open wider and I darted my tongue teasingly at the opening, meeting his as his arms went to wrap around my neck pulling me closer. "Shuichi..."

I smiled giving the man space to remove the guitar from his lap. He then pulled me against him, covering my mouth in his with a hot and desperate kiss. His hands trailed underneath my jumper and I moaned as he stroked me. He lifted me and took me back to my bunk where we lay with our limbs tangled and bodies pressing hard against each other. [1]

Nuzzling his chest and curling my fingers through his hair I slept.

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[1] One line in there especially for my beta reader to do what she will with. Her imagination is a force to be reckoned with.

This has been sitting on my computer for a while now. Not completely happy with it but its completion is a birthday present for Petal-de-Rose 3. I guess I should change that fic description from one-sided Shiro lol.

Anyway. Thank you for a spur of reviews, faves and watches. Unfortunately I have started my Nuclear Sciences course and that is taking up a fair bit of my time so I haven't had the chance to write. Also I write more when I feel depressed and that's the things with being bipolar is that it comes in waves. Ill write again soon x


	10. Chapter 10

Warnings – Self Injury references, including burning.

Disclaimer – Even though it has been a while since I have written, nothing has changed and they still belong to Maki Murakami.

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I raised my hand to shield my eyes from the brightness of the sun as I descended the steps of our tour bus. Part of me had hoped desperately that the novelist might have been there to meet us... To meet me. But as we pulled into an desolate parking lot besides the NG corporate building there was only a few of the studio staff to presumably help with unloading, and the odd few cars. Though to be fair it was probably only because Yuki was too busy and had another deadline to meet. _He might be drunk somewhere. Or maybe it's because he has found someone else to fuck. _I couldn't help but notice that Tohma Seguchi was no where in sight either.

The three month tour had taken us through to the middle of a blistering hot summer. The heat wave making me sweat through the black long sleeved shirt I had put on that morning, I had learned that light colours show up any blood that may have seeped out beneath bandages and gauze. They also would cling to your flesh with sweat and make things more noticeable, if you catch my drift.

The coach had blissful air-conditioning but now the temperature outside sweltered in the high twenties. You could almost see the air ripple above the tarmac around us, almost looking as though it was a mirage. At least in the winter I had had an excuse to cover myself but my new attire had only attracted puzzled and worried questions. The magazines eventually hinting that I had something to hide.

"SHU-CHANNNNNNNNNNN!"

A man sized pink rabbit clutched onto my waist tightly and I looked down to meet deep amethyst eyes framed by chocolate bangs. "I missed you Shu-chan!"

"Well were all back now. And I missed you too Sakuma-san." I smiled. The truth was that I had missed the crazy pop star. He was a thankful distraction at times and he had never acted weird around me when the others had recently been giving me a wide berth, careful of upsetting me lest I do something silly. They thought it would be more drinking but the reality of it was much worse.

The singer pouted at me tears welling in the corners of his eyes. "And Kumagoro too?" He held out his small furry pink companion towards me and I petted it fondly.

"Kumagoro too, of course!"

He smiled deviously before standing and wrapping his arms around me in a hug. I let the older mans warmth envelop me, breathing in his scent of strawberries and somehow the hugs he gave me always made me feel safe. The same as mine, I had always imitated the man before me, starting with similar hair right down to the same shampoo.

"You look thin Shu. Has K been working you too hard?" He said as he pulled away looking me over, concern flashing in the eyes shaded by his hair. Just before we had left Tokyo, Ryuichi had been asking things, the sort of things that implied just like Hiro he thought I was suffering from... something. Though he knew little of Yuki's behavior towards me. Is suffering the right word? I've never been quiet sure. Is it a disease that plagues my soul or just the consequences of emotions? At least a disease is something I have no control over, though it sounds more permanent and serious. But it is something to blame I suppose. Cutting is just a symptom.

"I'm fine," I lied, plastering a fake grin to my face. The grin I had worn so many times to hide my true feelings. I had gotten used to it and somehow it now felt like protection. As long as I didn't let it falter then everything would be alright. "You know what touring is like. All you ever do is sing and party!"

"And drive us insane!" Came Hiro's voice behind me. His bag slung effortlessly over and shoulder and his acoustic guitar case clutched in his other hand. His shirt like mine already sticking to his glistening flesh, I couldn't help but stare. I could feel the heat rising in my cheeks as I watched him. His hair pushed away from his gorgeous face by his sun glasses.

"Have you any idea just how annoying you can be at times Shu." He smirked, nodding a greeting at the Nittle Grapser singer. Pretending of course that nothing was amiss. And for all people knew or cared for it wasn't. He was getting quiet good at pretending nothing was wrong.

Playfully I stuck my tongue out at him before snapping it back in and chewing on it hard. _You annoying little Brat! _Words from another time echoed in my mind and I tried to force them back though they had already bitten me.

"I swear Shuichi, when you drink the whole world suffers." He mocked me, giving a gentle nudge with his elbow.

When we had the occasional lapse between shows the five of us would go out for the occasional drink, companionship and a search for fun away from the glaring eye of K or Sakano. I hadn't drank that much at first, though I have always known I couldn't handle my alcohol but slowly over time I had found the the sting of stronger drinks, Sambuca and Jagermeister being my favorites, would cloud my world, making me forget my worries and slowly I had started to drink more and more. Letting the heat wash over me and into my soul. K of course hated it and would torment us the next day when we would all wake up hung over.

I remember little of what actually happened on those nights. It was mainly a blur thankfully but I remember dancing. I remember singing. I remember Fujisaki trying to keep up with me so much that he vomited all over the place and most of all... I remember Hiro.

I shrugged off the sting of my guitarists words before turning to gather my bags. And more importantly my blades. Fumbling I picked them up from the underneath storage area before throwing one of them, like Hiro had, across one of my shoulders. _Dammit!_ It just happened to be the one shoulder where I had 'accidentally on purpose' burnt myself with a cigarette stub.

Damn my stupidity. I had found the stub still smoldering in one of the band prep rooms backstage at some venue, I don't remember which or why it was there. I had had a few pre-concert shots, just to calm the nerves of course but they hadn't helped. My blades had been tucked away inside the bus and I needed them _now_. Wearing at the time a tight fitting shirt I couldn't roll a sleeve up without too much effort so I had pushed the top slightly down over my left shoulder to expose as much flesh as I could. And then I pressed the smoking embers against my skin. It felt good at the time, stinging and calming at the same time. Its hard to explain. But it had worked. The constant pressure of my performance outfit pressing hard and reassuring. I couldn't help but think how satisfying it would be to take one of the many cigarettes that Yuki smoked and do the same with them.

Over the days that followed the burn had blistered and eventually burst, seeping puss and blood down down my arm and chest. I had always cleaned and tended to my cuts, though I had never had to deal with a burn before. And never one that was so obviously infected either and it had scared me. But as soon as Hiro found out he had kissed me gently. Before going to work cleaning and wrapping it. His hands deft, kind and unjudging. He didn't ask why I had done it. Of course he never did. All he cared about was holding me close to him. And that night we had slept together on his single bunk, not caring for the opinions of the others. Him spooning me from behind. A long slender arm draped over my waist and his face nuzzled in my hair.

My shoulder now ached and the crusty flesh was tender to the touch and to movement. The pressure of my bag opening it underneath the fresh gauze from the morning. I winced, trying my hardest not to drop it but a hand on my back made me pause and I let the bag be taken by the Nittle Grasper singer. "Come on I'll give you a lift home Shuichi. I need to talk to you."

I looked over his shoulder to meet hazel Hiro's eyes but he only met mine sadly and nodded.

The singer changed gears as confidently as he held a microphone. Driving was the only thing he loved perhaps even more than singing. He had control of something for once in his life, in this case a UK imported Ford Puma in black, his pride and joy once he had begged Seguchi to allow him to have it. He claimed that driving was safer than being chauffeured around by K-San and eventually the NG president had given in, knowing full well that it was probably true. Though he had given Ryu a child's booster seat for Kumagoro that now sat on the in the back. Pink bunny safely strapped in.

"You don't have to worry Shu. Nakano-san didn't tell me." Ryuichi's voice clawed me back to reality. I had been so absorbed in the music on the radio and mindlessly staring out of the passenger window that I almost forgot he was there. Just another taxi driver.

"Worry about what? I have no idea what you mean." Blood began to ooze from a cut on the inside of my mouth that I bit into suddenly. He couldn't know... Could he? Even if Hiro hadn't told him, I had always been so obsessed with hiding 'it'. The sleeves, the smiles... Oh god. I hadn't told anyone when I had been drinking, had I? No... I'm sure I didn't.

Out of a nervous habit I clenched my fists, trying my hardest to dig my nails into my palms. This could _not _be happening.

He rolled his huge amethyst eyes that glistened with worry and sadness, though I refused to meet them . "You're exactly the same as how I used to be," came a whisper and what I may have been a sob caught in his throat. "Over the last few years I managed to cut down drastically. Ha! 'Cut' down pretty funny right..."

Suddenly I had to be anywhere but here. My skin crawled and my burn throbbed. _No..._ I eyed the door handle as discretely as I could as we pulled to a halt behind the car in front that had stopped at the lights.

"Bipolar Depression though..." He sighed. "Its not fun. That niggling thought in your head, worrying about when you will next 'relapse'. Of course the cutting helps when you do... That and having some one to talk to, even if it is a stuffed rabbit..." His left hand moved away from the gear lever and gently caressed his thigh before a honk of another cars horn pulled him back to his senses and he pulled away from the junction. Tears were glistening over his eyes though he refused to let them fall.

We didn't talk for the rest of the trip and I was grateful as we pulled up in front of Yuki's block of flats, posh cars all lining the drives. Ryuichi's words kept replaying in my mind over and over again.

The singer helped me with my bags. And I was careful of my shoulder as threw the bag up onto the unburnt one. I smiled and quietly thanked him before turning to the door panel. Trying my hardest to ignore him. To pretend that nothing had been said in the car. All he was doing was offering work colleague a lift home.

"Shu... I..."

"I'm fine..."

A hand grasped my wrist firmly as I went to pull my keys from my pocket. "Shuichi..." He moved pressing his body against mine. His free hand cupping my chin making me meet his beautiful amethyst eyes.

I could hear my heart beating in my ears. My skin felt like it was on fire but I couldn't stop myself. I couldn't pull away. All I could do was stare into those gorgeous orbs. Drowning in deep swirling pools of violet. Everything forgotten.

His lips pressed gently against mine, enveloping me in a kiss that tasted of strawberry Pocky. "Shuichi..." He murmured as I parted my lips allowing him inside me. His tongue flicked against mine slowly and I could hear myself moaning. What was I doing?

His hand moved from my wrist and snaked around my waist pulling me closer to him. And the next thing I knew I was dropping my bag and wrapping my arms around him in return. My eyes closing as I experienced something I thought I would never feel again.

My hands tangled in his hair, pulling his head down to meet mine as I deepened the kiss becoming bolder and thrusting my tongue inside his own mouth boldly. This time he moaned and my eyes opened to be met with those purple eyes... No they should have been hazel. Hazel with flecks of gold, hidden beneath blonde hair not brown.

"Sakuma-san... Ryu... I can't do this... I can't..."

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Ehem... Okay even I wasn't expecting that. Did I actually just write that. Completely ran with that. Originally it was just going to be a taxi drive, then it turned into a Ryu drive and now this. I feel naughty. Guess that was a surprise for both of us!

Anyway here I am again after a couple of months. And you know what that means. I'm in a 'life slump' to put it gently, if you catch my drift. Bad for me and good for you I guess. I know exactly what I am going to write next but I think I need some sleep.

Before I go... The car... The Ford Puma in black. Awesome little car, little pocket rocket. My pride and joy.

Please Read and Review. It helps me get through this.


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